How drunk are ya gonna get?

Only a person in North Dakota could think of this. From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Minot , North Dakota after last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and d rove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off–it was a fine, dry summer night–, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons’ vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station.

This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”

“I doubt it,” said the truly proud Redneck. “Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”

Favourite Flower?

Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling, take celibacy.
This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Robert and Mary listened to the instructor declare 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'

He addressed the men. 'Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'
Robert leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently and whispered,

'Self-raising, isn't it?'

Thus began Robert's life of celibacy.

Turd terrorism is a wonderfull thing.

At the same retail organisation as previously mentioned, one of my good friends left the company to join another. We had a habit of sending odd stuff in the post to each other.. I felt I had to take it to another level.

Taking a latex doctors glove, I retired to the bog and crimped a turd into the glove. I then carefully squeezed the warm pooh into the fingers of the glove and tied off the end. Into an envelope and off she goes.

A few days later I got a call from my friend.. apparently on receipt of the envelope, realizing it was from me..and noticing an unpleasant smell.. he thought it best to open it behind closed doors and not in the shop as he normally would. I think I upset him a bit. He is a changed man.. though still my friend. We stopped exchanging gifts via the post.